“If you don’t take the time to know yourself, honor yourself, and express yourself, you require everyone around you to manage your sense of self. It’s selfishness in the name of selfishness.” -unknown

This past weekend, I took some time for myself. I meal prepped, worked on designing a layout for the blog ——turned out quite nice if I do say so myself, and even took a bath with possibly the best bath bomb ever (s/o to Lush butterball…it has freaking lotion in it).

These weekends are rare.

It was the first time in a while where Bryce and I decided to stay in town. We watched a couple movies and ate way too much pizza. I’m positive that I wore the same clothes for two days. We even devoured strawberry cheesecake toaster strudels…which I forgot how delicious they are. My middle school self was thriving with every bite.

These moments are even more rare. 

All of this is so different from last year, or even the past semester of school. Last semester it had felt like I was being suffocated by schoolwork and my only way of escape was leaving Maryville. Fresh air equaled a place for me to breath. After taking two economics classes and developing a 40 page long marketing plan, I finally hit my breaking point and cracked. I had an anxiety attack during the week before finals….dead week. In the middle of the night, I couldn’t breath and my heart was racing, everything physically and mentally was out of place. Called my mom at 7 am crying my eyes out. To top it off, my tooth hurt.  I thought I lost a filling because air moving across it hurt. I could barely eat oatmeal or drink coffee…the two biggest food staples in my life. I finally had the time to go to the dentist and found out that two of my teeth had collided at the root. The only cause of teeth doing this at my age is from stress. 

I was so consumed with school that I could not put myself first. My loved ones were telling me that I needed to give myself a break and that I was not the same anymore. I simply did not listen (yeah, I’m stubborn… but in my heart I knew that they were absolutely right).

I like being busy. I am a person who is always on the go and never wants to stop to indulge in the quiet moments life offers us. Some days it is hard for me to even sit on the couch for more than an hour. Although it’s not a huge deal to constantly want to be doing something, it is awful to not know how to take a chill pill and relax. 

With much patience, I have been practicing taking time out of my day to relax and to focus on myself. Knowing that I will never allow myself to get to that point again where anxiety consumes my every thought is extremely comforting. 

May the grind never stop, but breathe in the midst of it all. 

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